Follow the light

Some days since the last post... The thing is that one or two more or less good events happened. But those things do not belong to this blog, right?, just look at the title. The truth is that when good (or more precisely, just "normal") things seem to be working well, I don't feel exactly like myself. It's hard to describe. It's like I feel more comfortable, more "me", when surrounded by some kind of penumbra or shadow. Of course I don't like the complete obscurity, or pain, or anything like that. I don't think I'm a masoquist. It's just that when things are going well there is some sense of fragility, something is going to break. I cannot stand the uncertainess. When things are "down", they are more stable, if you are lying on the floor you cannot fall further.

I remember the first time I discover this kind of characteristic of myself (or perhaps it was when my depression started to kick, how can I tell?). I was very down, thinking I was going to fail an exam that I was taking. The exam ran on two days, different tests in each day. After the first day I thought I had done very poorly, and it was going to be the first failed exam in my life. I went home that night and I tried to cheer up with a funny book, one of those which make you laugh loud. It didn't work, it made me feel worse, "unstable". Then, I tried to watch TV, something funny again, and it also didn't work. Finally, I took the most depressing book I found on the shelves at home, and it worked! I didn't feel happy or anything, but I felt very calm, in control of myself, it was even better than feeling happy. I don't understand why, it may be some kind of psyc problem, I don't know, but such kind of of books or movies or music still produce the same effect on me (by the way, if you are reading this, if by some chance you understand what I'm trying to write, and you have some suggestions for books/movies/music, you are welcome to write them in the comments; someday I'll post some of my favourites).

The worst thing was that I not only didn't fail the exam, I passed with great grades. So, back to the bright light, and back to wait and long for darker and more stable times. Since those times, the oscilations have been continuous.

Anyway, I wanted to post about the not so good events (that also happened, obviously, in addition to the "good" ones) in the last week, but this is going too long. I'll save it for the next post.

A matter of skin

I suppose I'm still in the phase "know me better", explaining myself, giving some context. Here it goes a bit more of me, have pity..

I'll write here something I don't tell to anybody. Since I was young, a teenager, I suffer from an acute case of acne. So strong it is, that I have concealed from anyone else since those times. Of course I interact with people, I'm probably seen as a more or less normal person, though a bit of a loner, but heck, they probably say, he's harmless. I don't have much acne in my face, when I'm dressed you can't notice anything particular. The worst of my problem is in my back and torax. This has prevented me to undress in front of anyone, and gradually, it has moved from a physical problem to a more psychological problem. I'm always afraid that people invite me to go swimming, or to the beach, or to some activity that involve taking my t-shirt. The consecuence of this is that it adds up in a negative way to the social inabilities that I always had.

I grew up in a city whose main business is the beach, in a country where the only thing that people do in summer, in the vacations, is to spend the whole day in the beach. Can you imagine the number of excuses I had to invent to avoid the perpetual invitations to "go to the beach"? Fucking words, how I hate them!

I have grown so used to this that I cannot put in words how much this problem has screwed me. But it has colaborated in great and permanent ways to my self steem (refer to the previous posts). It is probably not so uncommon, but I never met anyone with the severity of my symptons. Can you believe I'm more than thirty years old and I still have acne?!?

Well, many missing points, still, to explain, but I got tired. One funny image at the end, though: do you rememeber the "never nude" character of Tobias in Arrested Development?

How long did it take?

The previous post is still there, it do looks stupid to me, but still... I'll delete it later.

Few minutes ago, rereading the previous post and thinking about today's date, I realized (with terror and desperation I must say) that it's going to be more than twelve years since I started studing in the university!!!! You could say that if I'm thirty something it must be more than twelve. Well, I started college later than the usual age. Even that is something to not be proud of. But heck, thinking about the time spent on this is crazy. And the worst part is that I still have yet some years to go, I cannot see the end. I work, a bit, or try to work anyway, but sooooo slowly, every day slower and slower. And more of the worst part: all this time I want to finish the phd for what? I suppose I'm thinking there is some kind of prize at the end of the line, or that the day after I finish a bright world full of possibilities is going to open in front of me. But I also know it's not going to be like that. It's going to be more of the same. And that if I'm lucky...

You may ask why I don't quit. That reminds me I wanted to write about another big, huge, defect I have. I mentioned earlier that it scares the most of me to make a bad impression on people. To complement that, I have the lowest self steem you may imagine. There is probably somebody with lower self steem than myself, I'm sure, I cannot be that good at having low self steem. See... there it is the self demotion at work...

Ok, but I brought this to explain that I cannot quit my phd because I'm terrified at what my advisor, my colleagues, my old teachers, everybody, will think of me. They will think I'm an idiot, and I will believe them. Currently, they think I'm somewhat good, I have managed to struggle through courses and things like that, although I don't understand how is that they don't notice I'm not doing the work I'm supposed to be doing, research, papers, stuff like that. Well, I'm good at misleading them... But the thing is, if at some point, they open their eyes and see what I am, and if they tell me that, then...

Oh man, these posts are too long. If I continue this I'll write them in smaller chunks, you know, so that you don't get bored and leave.. ;-)

Inaugural post

What a crazy moment when I decided to open this! I'm feeling so shity. I promised myself I was going to write without hitting the backspace key. I'm not doing it, but I'm trying. Be warned, as the description of the blog says, to find nothing but babbling, and worse.. in bad english. You have been warned!

Anyway, I'm writing, I think I would read something like this, I like to read about depressed people, not to feel myself better but to know there are more people like this shit I am. You have been warned, do you want to leave now? Go ahead, be my guest. One of the worst defects I have is to always try to make a good impression on people. I want to see if I can be more sincere here. I want to know if writing, or babbling, or whatever, helps me. I don't even know if I will write again, but heck, here it goes.

Well, to say something about me, I'm a thirty something years old male, still a graduate student in a relatively good university, people say, but in the probably worst town of this damn country (hey fbi, are you reading every ip packet that goes by? you have the date, the ip, ask the provider, you can identify everyone, fear rules this country...) Ok, I even hate this university, everything that surrounds it. Forgot to say that I'm depressed, at least autodiagnosed, since I haven't had the courage to see a doctor . People say that I'm not dumb, but from long time ago I cannot work, my reasoning slips, like when you hit the gas in the car but some malfunctioning makes it move slowly, you hit harder and it moves a bit faster but still way out of what it should...

And here I am, writing this, trying to empty myself, instead of working, I have the paper in front of me but I can't. Procrastination they call it, but in my case I think there are deeper causes, which I can't find, fuck! Ok, now I'm not hitting backspace, there you have it, even in this (semi)anonymous media I'm feeling afraid of hurting feelings. Feelings of who? Of you, reader! How fucked I am!

Ok, I'm going to post this without rereading. I'm sure tomorrow it will look to me like a stupidity, but anyway... I can delete it tomorrow. Oh, mighty google, would you index this for the benefit of some poor soul, similar to me, who likes to read about the misfortunes of others...