How long did it take?
The previous post is still there, it do looks stupid to me, but still... I'll delete it later.
Few minutes ago, rereading the previous post and thinking about today's date, I realized (with terror and desperation I must say) that it's going to be more than twelve years since I started studing in the university!!!! You could say that if I'm thirty something it must be more than twelve. Well, I started college later than the usual age. Even that is something to not be proud of. But heck, thinking about the time spent on this is crazy. And the worst part is that I still have yet some years to go, I cannot see the end. I work, a bit, or try to work anyway, but sooooo slowly, every day slower and slower. And more of the worst part: all this time I want to finish the phd for what? I suppose I'm thinking there is some kind of prize at the end of the line, or that the day after I finish a bright world full of possibilities is going to open in front of me. But I also know it's not going to be like that. It's going to be more of the same. And that if I'm lucky...
You may ask why I don't quit. That reminds me I wanted to write about another big, huge, defect I have. I mentioned earlier that it scares the most of me to make a bad impression on people. To complement that, I have the lowest self steem you may imagine. There is probably somebody with lower self steem than myself, I'm sure, I cannot be that good at having low self steem. See... there it is the self demotion at work...
Ok, but I brought this to explain that I cannot quit my phd because I'm terrified at what my advisor, my colleagues, my old teachers, everybody, will think of me. They will think I'm an idiot, and I will believe them. Currently, they think I'm somewhat good, I have managed to struggle through courses and things like that, although I don't understand how is that they don't notice I'm not doing the work I'm supposed to be doing, research, papers, stuff like that. Well, I'm good at misleading them... But the thing is, if at some point, they open their eyes and see what I am, and if they tell me that, then...
Oh man, these posts are too long. If I continue this I'll write them in smaller chunks, you know, so that you don't get bored and leave.. ;-)
Few minutes ago, rereading the previous post and thinking about today's date, I realized (with terror and desperation I must say) that it's going to be more than twelve years since I started studing in the university!!!! You could say that if I'm thirty something it must be more than twelve. Well, I started college later than the usual age. Even that is something to not be proud of. But heck, thinking about the time spent on this is crazy. And the worst part is that I still have yet some years to go, I cannot see the end. I work, a bit, or try to work anyway, but sooooo slowly, every day slower and slower. And more of the worst part: all this time I want to finish the phd for what? I suppose I'm thinking there is some kind of prize at the end of the line, or that the day after I finish a bright world full of possibilities is going to open in front of me. But I also know it's not going to be like that. It's going to be more of the same. And that if I'm lucky...
You may ask why I don't quit. That reminds me I wanted to write about another big, huge, defect I have. I mentioned earlier that it scares the most of me to make a bad impression on people. To complement that, I have the lowest self steem you may imagine. There is probably somebody with lower self steem than myself, I'm sure, I cannot be that good at having low self steem. See... there it is the self demotion at work...
Ok, but I brought this to explain that I cannot quit my phd because I'm terrified at what my advisor, my colleagues, my old teachers, everybody, will think of me. They will think I'm an idiot, and I will believe them. Currently, they think I'm somewhat good, I have managed to struggle through courses and things like that, although I don't understand how is that they don't notice I'm not doing the work I'm supposed to be doing, research, papers, stuff like that. Well, I'm good at misleading them... But the thing is, if at some point, they open their eyes and see what I am, and if they tell me that, then...
Oh man, these posts are too long. If I continue this I'll write them in smaller chunks, you know, so that you don't get bored and leave.. ;-)
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