Follow the light
Some days since the last post... The thing is that one or two more or less good events happened. But those things do not belong to this blog, right?, just look at the title. The truth is that when good (or more precisely, just "normal") things seem to be working well, I don't feel exactly like myself. It's hard to describe. It's like I feel more comfortable, more "me", when surrounded by some kind of penumbra or shadow. Of course I don't like the complete obscurity, or pain, or anything like that. I don't think I'm a masoquist. It's just that when things are going well there is some sense of fragility, something is going to break. I cannot stand the uncertainess. When things are "down", they are more stable, if you are lying on the floor you cannot fall further.
I remember the first time I discover this kind of characteristic of myself (or perhaps it was when my depression started to kick, how can I tell?). I was very down, thinking I was going to fail an exam that I was taking. The exam ran on two days, different tests in each day. After the first day I thought I had done very poorly, and it was going to be the first failed exam in my life. I went home that night and I tried to cheer up with a funny book, one of those which make you laugh loud. It didn't work, it made me feel worse, "unstable". Then, I tried to watch TV, something funny again, and it also didn't work. Finally, I took the most depressing book I found on the shelves at home, and it worked! I didn't feel happy or anything, but I felt very calm, in control of myself, it was even better than feeling happy. I don't understand why, it may be some kind of psyc problem, I don't know, but such kind of of books or movies or music still produce the same effect on me (by the way, if you are reading this, if by some chance you understand what I'm trying to write, and you have some suggestions for books/movies/music, you are welcome to write them in the comments; someday I'll post some of my favourites).
The worst thing was that I not only didn't fail the exam, I passed with great grades. So, back to the bright light, and back to wait and long for darker and more stable times. Since those times, the oscilations have been continuous.
Anyway, I wanted to post about the not so good events (that also happened, obviously, in addition to the "good" ones) in the last week, but this is going too long. I'll save it for the next post.
I remember the first time I discover this kind of characteristic of myself (or perhaps it was when my depression started to kick, how can I tell?). I was very down, thinking I was going to fail an exam that I was taking. The exam ran on two days, different tests in each day. After the first day I thought I had done very poorly, and it was going to be the first failed exam in my life. I went home that night and I tried to cheer up with a funny book, one of those which make you laugh loud. It didn't work, it made me feel worse, "unstable". Then, I tried to watch TV, something funny again, and it also didn't work. Finally, I took the most depressing book I found on the shelves at home, and it worked! I didn't feel happy or anything, but I felt very calm, in control of myself, it was even better than feeling happy. I don't understand why, it may be some kind of psyc problem, I don't know, but such kind of of books or movies or music still produce the same effect on me (by the way, if you are reading this, if by some chance you understand what I'm trying to write, and you have some suggestions for books/movies/music, you are welcome to write them in the comments; someday I'll post some of my favourites).
The worst thing was that I not only didn't fail the exam, I passed with great grades. So, back to the bright light, and back to wait and long for darker and more stable times. Since those times, the oscilations have been continuous.
Anyway, I wanted to post about the not so good events (that also happened, obviously, in addition to the "good" ones) in the last week, but this is going too long. I'll save it for the next post.
<< Home