The joy of summer

What were you doing? Why don't you post more often? I ask myself, since according to the statistics not too many people read this blog (although there were some interesting comments in the past). Well, I was hoping and waiting for the prozac to kick in, the doctor increased the dosis to 40 mg, but I haven't felt anything too much different. I wonder if I'd be inmune to this medication, other people seem to enjoy it a lot more.

Anyway, I'm about to start the summer term in this fucking town and more fucking university. I still have to complete some courses, which means the usual stress to pass with A, and it also means having to talk with people and to move around the big masses of students happily walking between classes, thinking in their bright future, dreaming in the wonderful and easy life after they graduate from such a "prestigious" university. How I hate them, man. How I hate their big trucks (you know of which college and town I'm talking about, right?). Hey, if nobody read this what's the point of anonymity?

By the way, the experiment of passing a course with B or C failed. And as usual the satisfaction lasted a microsecond, while I'm still wore out, sad and defeated. But cheer up my dear me, there are still oportunities, some classes still to take, and most of all, we can still fail in the decisive moment of defending my thesis. Or easier, I can fail to write it! (which is more or less what is happening...).

Prozac, not Plato!

On a not so unrelated topic to the previous post, I finally went to the doctor and told him: "hey, I'm depressed." "Ok, here you have some prozac", he said. Heck, it was too easy. Or perhaps I was really convincing that my symptoms were fucking my life. Well, if you think that it took me years to have the strength to go and to say "I'm depressed", that is probably a strong enough symptom. But I haven't felt any change, this is already my third week on this stuff. I wonder if the dosis is too low, or if I have to wait (I heard it takes several weeks to produce some effect), or even if I need some stronger kind of antidepressant. Sometimes I think in taking more than one capsule. I haven't done it. But how would it be like to take 5 capsules? 20mg times 5 = 0.1g. What would be to take 0.1g of prozac? The answer is probably one google search away, but I have resisted the temptation of looking for information about this thing. I don't want to know of side effects or so, I only want that it works. I also wonder how would it be mixing prozac and marijuana, but that is just a rethoric question, as you would notice if you read the previous post.

Weed

There was a time, last year, when I went back to my country for a congress. I really didn't want to go, conferences are a lot of stress for me, too much people, relations, meeting my old fellow grad students, sharing hotel rooms... But I had to go. Then something weird happened. Every day, after the activities of the congress, we went out for beers. In those nights I discovered that most of my peers smoked marijuana. Man, how can I be so outsider?!? How can I be so blind? I had spent lot of time around them, mostly around the university, and although I'm not close friend with most of them, we had been in bars, pubs and parties (yes, sometimes I go to parties to suffer). I know them from almost ten years! Did you want a proof of my social skills? Here you have.

But the weirdness continues. They invited me to smoke, that was my first time I tried a drug. It felt really good, and I kept doing it almost every day for the two weeks that lasted the conference. The funny thing was that I started to feel less anxious around them, around the people. I felt that some kind of connection made a click between their group and me, and I could fit. That's the exact word, I fitted. And it wasn't only a subjective impression on my side, but some of them said farewell to me with a "hey, ... we really enjoyed these weeks with you". Can you believe it? I was astonished. Ok, I read later that everything may be an effect of the weed, but what the heck, I wish I'd be permanently stoned if that is one the symptoms.

The brighter vision of the world remained for a month after I returned to the US. Then, it started to fade out. And the worst part is that I'm incapable to get weed. How can you do it when you have no contacts, when you don't have anyone to ask where to find these kind of things? I guess that after you make a contact the rest is probably not difficult, but that first part is the most difficult for me. I have wandered sometimes around bars, trying to smell if somebody is smoking, so I could ask him or her (pathetic, huh?). But I'm blind, I probably won't get any result, judging from my previous lack of intuition. I've even had dreams about smoking pot again... oh, man. Let's stop here.